I’ve always been split in two, this confidence to a degree of arrogance, and this deeply rooted hopeless insecureness, almost justified insecureness.  Ha.

It’s been a full year now, staying in this city of lure and desperation, but mostly staying in my silent apartment, I have been asking myself, did I get anywhere? Did I get anything out of it? Today, I realized one thing, I got one word — “Humble” out of it. Just yesterday, I spent hours looking up different terms of sound,  reading through manuals on audio mixing. I learned things certainly, but also opened a even bigger hole of unknown. It’s frightening to think how much of an idiot I was when I asked people questions. And of course, you can say that kind of fear comes from arrogance. None of us knew everything right out of birth. But I always say “I wish I knew that earlier. I wish I could learn faster”.  Then looking at acting, I am at a point of just starting to dab into the deep sea of plays and acting, starting to feel the style and rhythm of certain playwrights, starting to grasp certain stories and characters faster, but there are so much more.

I have felt blue, I have felt depressed. I have asked myself  “am I losing interest in something that defined the word PASSIONATE for me?” and felt the great fear of the possibility that it’s true.  But this humbleness re-grounded me. Like a rebirth. “Sit down, take a breath, read more, watch more, think more, do more….”

Once upon a time (fortunately, not a long time ago actually), one guy asked me “will you marry a rich old man for money, and then wait for his death?”,  I said “in my depressed days….”